Gentle Persistence

One morning I found a photocopied text that a former colleague had given me back when we worked together at Luther Seminary. I'm guessing it was sometime in early 2008 when I was so incredibly broken and in pain, knowing that I needed to attend to my dear Self, dear Soul. I remember hardly being able to read these words at the time. It was as if the reading of it would somehow threaten to destroy me. And yet, this friend, colleague persisted day after day to share truth, to share scary words, to open doorways for me to breathe life. I cannot thank her enough. The short writings she shared were entitled, "The Discerning Voice" and "The Inner Voice of the Soul"by John O'Donohue.

"The quest for the truth of things is never ending. To be human is to be ambivalent. We never see a thing completely. In sure anticipation, our eyes have always already altered what awaits our gaze. The search for truth is difficult and uncomfortable. Because the mystery is too much for us, we opt to settle for the surface of things. Comfort becomes more important than true presence. Yet, somewhere in every heart there is a discerning voice. This voice distrusts the status quo. It sounds out the falsity in things and encourages dissent from the images things tend to assume. This voice is an inner whisper not obvious or known to others outside. It receives little attention and is not usually highlighted among a person's qualities. This faithful voice can illuminate the dark lands of despair. It can also reveal a different voice lurking about in our psyche as well; the harsh and unrelenting voice that finds fault with everything. Even when unexpected acknowledgement or recognition comes your way, this voice will claw at you and make you feel you are unworthy.

Having just returned from co-leading a retreat called "Sacred Earth: Body and Soul Connection", I reaffirm the necessity of community when one is walking through the greater unknown. The Soul was never meant to travel by itself. I have had friends, therapists, spiritual directors, and my spouse and daughter traveling with me for some time now. Each of them, in their own unique way, gently persisting that I stay on this larger, more expansive path than the narrow one I had been on. I'll never go back to what was inauthentic to my Soul, no matter what the cost. For the pain of abandoning myself earlier in my life was unbearable. I would much rather live in the presence of my deepest Self, my deepest desires, even if faced with the unknown. There, in the middle of the unknown, is where life is truly lived for me.

Soul as a River

Elizabeth Lesser writes in her book, Broken Open, “…often we resist the pull of the river. Perhaps if we quieted down and asked the soul for direction, we would be moved to make a change. Maybe that wild river of energy with its longing for joy and freedom, would capsize our more prudent plans, our ambitions, our very survival. I have shut down to my soul enough times to know what it feels like when the river is dammed. I know the feeling of deadness; I know how the river diverts itself and breaks through in other ways – as desire to blame, as physical illness, as restlessness, or weariness, or self-destruction. The soul always speaks, and sometimes it speaks the loudest when we block its flow, when we live only half of a life, when we stay on the surface. If we don’t go looking for what lies beneath the surface of our lives, the soul comes looking for us.”

At first, we don't recognize the uncomfortable rub from the Soul as something helpful. We try to cover it up, deny it, implement a righteous rejection of our deepest experience, calling it selfish. We think its time to "get away." But the Soul will continue to flow, sometimes so rapidly and forcefully that we feel like we are being carried over the waterfall. Other times, the Soul is just a trickle of water passing over boulders in the stream. Staying with our experiences without judgment and finding compassion instead, honors the Soul. Let the river flow. Be curious about its movements and the path it is taking. Be present, fully present to the journey.